In an article discussing the possibility of the Anglican Church appointing its first female bishop, a reporter from The Times offers this helpful bit of analysis:
Edward the Confessor, the 11th-century King most closely associated with the abbey [Westminster], would probably be more alarmed by the singing Santa Claus and teddy bear outside her solid oak door* in the cloisters of the abbey than he would by her [Canon Jane Hedges, the potential bishop] being a woman.
This is, I think, an excellent line of argument. We should all, before embarking on a controversial decision, ask ourselves, “Would the outcome alarm Edward the Confessor more, or less, than electronic Santa Clauses?” Do keep in mind that Edward the Confessor died in 1066 and likely was familiar with only the most rudimentary electronic novelty devices. If this seems a little esoteric a question, feel free to substitute in any familiar electronic novelty device that seems appropriate to the situation.
For example, if you happen to be Associate Justice Kathryn M. Werdegar of the California Supreme Court,** you could phrase the question instead, “Would my voting to overturn Proposition 8 and allow a man to marry a man in California alarm Edward the Confessor as much as giving him a
Tickle Me Elmo*** doll?”
Or, if you are lucky enough to be the (formerly) Right Reverend Bishop Robert Duncan of the diocese of Pittsburgh, you might go with, “Would my leading my diocese to succeed from the U.S. Episcopal Church and join with Bolivia, Paraguay, and Uruguay in the Anglican Church of the Southern Cone of America as a protest against gay bishops alarm Edward the Confessor as much as putting a
Big Mouth Billy Bass on the wall of Wesminster?”
I should warn you, however, that this
is a typical portrait of Edward the Confessor. Dude doesn’t look like he’d be alarmed by much.****
—
*The second her refers, I believe, to Westminster, though I remain open to the possibility that Canon Jane Hedges has a solid oak door.
**I admit, I’m using her full name in an attempt to bait and switch all those people searching Google for “topless boobs associate justice kathryn m. werdegar of the california supreme court topless tpoless”.
***Of course, I mean T.M.E.X., the The Extreme Tenth Edition of Tickle Me Elmo, the one who gets “more outrageous” on the second and subsequent ticklings–not that that sissy first edition Elmo from 1996, with his greatly inferior mono-outrageous tickle module.
****Except for
1st generation Teddy Ruxpin. Fun fact: the C-Batteries under that back panel are hooked to a dummy circuit that slowly drains them and are not required for the toy to function. The original Teddies Ruxpin are homonculi powered by the disappointment and ennui of human children.
