And You Thought Tomatoes Were Dangerous…

I think it’s unfair that my favorite fruit has had to labor under this cloud of suspicion all summer.   So, attention media types: I have your next big story about the dangerous lurking in your grocer’s produce case.

Gregory the Great tells the following story in his Dialogues (I.4.165D):

Once upon a time, a nun walking into the garden saw a delicious-looking lettuce. She ate it greedily, forgetting to first bless it with the sign of the cross. Immediately, she was possessed by a devil, fell to the ground, and was pitifully tormented. Word was carried quickly to Equitius, begging him to quickly come to see the possessed woman and to aid her through his prayers. No sooner had the holy man entered into the garden than the devil began to make excuses with the nun’s voice, saying, “What have I done? What have I done? I was having a sit on that lettuce there, and she came and ate me!”*

Lettuce.  It’s not just boring.  It’s a threat to your immortal soul.

Or, if your readers happen to be demons, it can still work for you.

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*Really, that’s what he said: “Ego quid feci? Ego quid feci? Sedebam mihi super latucam; venit illa, et momordit me!”